Luxor4u

There once lived a family of balloons; Daddy Balloon; Mummy Balloon and Baby Balloon. They all lived very happily in a snug little honeysuckle and ivy covered cottage in the woods.

When Baby Balloon had just been an air bubble, he shared his parent's bed, but now he had blown up, and they could not all share the same bed, so Daddy Balloon bought Baby (or should I say, Toddler) Balloon his own bed.

At first, Toddler Balloon was very excited, and before going to bed, he arranged all his toys and balloon pumps around the bed to make him feel snug. All was well, and at bed-time Daddy Balloon took him up to his new bed to go to sleep. He told Toddler Balloon some of his favorite stories: the Zepplin Histories; the Discovery of Gas; Gone with a Bang (this one is a bit of a horror story) and Up, Up and Away. Daddy Balloon settled him down, and very soon he was asleep.

Some time during the night, Toddler Balloon woke up, and was a little frightened being in the bed and room by himself. He got up, relieved the pressure in his bladder and went into his parents bedroom. Toddler Balloon wanted to get back into his parents bed.

First he went round to Daddy Balloon's side of the bed, but he had taken up all the space, so he went round to Mummy Balloon's side, but there was no room there either. Toddler Balloon then had a great idea. He went round to Daddy Balloon and let a little air out of him, then he did the same with Mummy Balloon. Unfortunately, there was still not enough room, so he opened his own valve and let some air out. Now he could fit into the bed.

In the morning, Daddy Balloon was very cross. At breakfast he confronted Toddler Balloon. He said, "Look son, I am very disappointed with you. You've let me down, you've let your mother down, and worst of all, you've let yourself down."

The Great Farting Contest Of Stockton- On-Tees.

Will Tell You A Story That Is Certain To Please
Of A Grand Farting Contest At Stockton On Tees
There Are All The Best Arses Paraded In Fields,
Some Tuned Up Their Arses To Fart Up The Scale
To Strive For A Cup Or A Barrel Of Ale

While Woman Whose Arses Were Biggest And Strongest
Competed In Contest For Loudest And Strongest,
This Fine Whitsun Day Had Drawn A Big Crowd
And Betting Was Even On Young Mrs Mcloud

Twas Said In The Papers The Sporting Edition
That This Ladies Arse, Was In Perfect Condition,
They Say Old Mrs Jones Had A Perfect Backside
With A Bunch Of Red Hair And A Wart On Each Side
Some Fancied Her Chances Of Winning With Ease
Having Trained On A Diet Of Cabbage And Peas,

Then Mrs Pugh Arrived Amidst A Hail Of Applause
And Promptly Proceeded To Pull Down Her Draws
For Though She Had No Chance In The Farting Display
She Had The Prettiest Arse One Had Seen Any Day,

Old Mrs Potluck Was Backed For A Place
She Had Often Been Caught In The Deepest Of Disgrace
For Shocking The Vicar Poor Marmaduke Morgan
Her Farting In Church Made More Noise Than The organ,

The Vicar Arrived And Ascended The Stand
And Proceeded To Tell This Remarkable Band
That Conditions Would Follow The Rules On The Bills
Which Prevented The Use Of Injections Or Pills,

The Contestants Lined Up for The Signal To Start
Mrs Jones Won The Toss And Was Given First Fart
The Crowd Was Astonished To Silence And Wonder
How That Goofy Old Bird Gave Off Such A Thunder

Next Mrs Potluck Just Came To The Front
And Startled The Crowd With A Wonderful Stunt
With Her Wide Parted Cheeks And Tightly Clenched Hands
She Blew Off The Roof Of The Newly Built Stands,

Mrs Mcloud Simply Sniggered At This
She Lapped Up Some Beer And Was All Wind And Arse
With Her Hands On Her Hips And Her Legs Parted Wide
She Suddenly **** And Was Disqualified

Young Mrs Pugh Was Next To Appear
And When She Was Through She Received A Great Cheer
For Though Her Folks Thought Her Chances Were Small
She Took First Prize By Out Farting Them All
She Walked To The Pavilion With A Maidenly Gait
And Received From The Vicar A Set Of Gold Plate
Then She Signaled The Crowd To Sing The Refrain
She Farted The First Verse Of “Lily Marlene.''