I P Freeley writes again....

[DJKeefy]

Another email sent tome from I P Freeley....

JanGood grief mate you have some ******* thicko’s on this site, that guy Mint Imperial is a classic and good old Polypdik who is going in for synchronised drowning in the Nile, Jesus is he in for a ******* surprise or two when he gets there but what I really wanted to tell you about was my new series of books, some of which are set to become classics. I was inspired by that bird Jane Ash Cart getting all that money for telling everyone about her sex life, now as a kid I remember all those Janet & John books that I struggled to read because I am dicksleksic so I was really keen to get my teeth into those Jane Does Egypt sort of books as they seemed right up my street being full of porn and all that. I must admit that I found all three a bit boring so I came up with a few titles myself and a rough outline of a plot that she can fill out a bit more herself, unless of course she wishes to continue remaining an omnibus.

First on my list would be titled: Jane Gets a ****.
The inspiration for this one came to me after I had a new **** pile carpet fitted at home and I thought she could have an expose about her getting new fitted carpets and maybe even getting her under-felt at the same time, along with the trials and tribulations of obtaining these sort of things in Luxor and also what sort of piles she already had.

Next we could have: Jane Gets Knobbed
This could be a short informative novella about replacing the knobs, handles and hinges on her internal doors, the prose would need to be done to reflect the exotic location of the Middle East and Luxor in particular, something along the lines of …

“ I wandered aimlessly amongst the many treasures on display in the back alley’s and Souks of old Luxor town, shisha pipes with their tall phallic bodies and blown glass bases. Lanterns of intricate design incorporating colourful glass into the most exquisite and delicate filigree metalwork I had ever seen. I had almost given up my quest for the elusive object I was seeking, the thing that had filled my every waking hour since arriving here in this beautiful city full of beautiful people. My search ended abruptly as I entered a dimly lit shop and suddenly my eyes bulged in amazement as the shop keeper and his two assistants showed me their knobs, I could not resist the temptation and I drooled like a donkey in sugar cane field at the thought of getting one in my hand and giving it a good pull to try it out. As I got to know him better, Ali as he later became known to me would often bring acquaintances of his into the shop and I would sit for hours admiring the variety of knobs they had between them.”

As you can see Keefy old mate I have put a lot of time and effort into this so don’t let that Douche Bag bloke go claiming credit for my ideas as happened last time someone tried to impersonate me on here.

I have some more working titles on the go such as:

Jane Gets Poked: A short story about an eye injury caused by a discarded sugar cane stem as she ran barefoot in the moonlight and how she had to attend an eye clinic.

Jane gets Shafted: Another short story about her attempts to conserve water by digging a well shaft and striking oil only to find out it is the sewerage pipe from a nearby hotel.

And finally Jane Gets Screwed: More of a DIY book than anything else containing useful hints and tips such as:
“When screwing it helps to add some sort of lubricant such as Fairy liquid or lard to stop friction”
“Always take great care in choosing the right tool for the job, choose something that feels comfortable in the hand, it is so easy to just grab the first one available and it may be too small for what you have in mind”
“Always apply firm steady pressure when screwing so as not to damage your tool”

I was also going to mention that committee but I can’t be arsed and sadly I will not be visiting this year so I need you to handle my commission with Jane for the story lines. Now I know that you will be disappointed I am not coming but to be honest if I want to get ripped off, walk about in a ****-hole, eat crappy food and get insulted or shot by some ******* foreigner I only need to go into London.

Regards from your mate,
I P Freeley

[Dusak]

Douche Bag? The gauntlet has been cast.

[Maakari]

Brilliant Post I P Freeley!
I am sure our esteemed Literary Genius could take these titles and turn a good profit.But I am sure, knowing the magazines proposity to do repeat storyline, that she has signed up for both the Sequel and the Prequel, and as we speak is sharpening her pencil and seeking some "mills and Boon " prose to persuade the reader of her story that it is one of the Fairy Ilk, and not the seedy money grabbing, grubby little sad tale that is really is.

[HEPZIBAH]

Welcome back I.P Freely. It is good to hear from you again. Your communications have been missed by many I am sure.

[Who2]

I don't think 'I feel has been anywhere just watching 'A classic Mr Freely, I 'doff my cap to you....
don't leave it sooo long..next time........

[Chocolate Eclair]

Amusing little tale, from IP Freely

[Robbo70]

Classic. keep em coming IP

[Dusak]

Well I thought it was a rushed edition, jumping on the band wagon but forgetting the air, so discharged bluster instead. Lacked originality and the usual [hardware] of past productions. This one that IPY threw out was almost as bad as the attempted humor in the rhyming stakes, another rushed production in a half hearted attempt to undermine the [competition] IPY's rise to veet fame, I think, was a one off, the likes of which we will probably never see again. If IPY had just waited that little bit longer for the breaking news concerning the families property oligarchy, then he would of had more material to extrapolate on. So I can only give IPY 1/10 for knowing how to send an e-mail.

[Mad Dilys]

Um, Methinks thou dost protest too much Mr. Dusak. Could this be a bluff?

[LovelyLadyLux]

I think IPFreely forgot the illustrated coffee table book Jane Takes the Tank offering a beautiful full frontal portrait of this Luxor beauty.