P J O’Rourke is widely regarded as the US’s greatest living political satirist. Living might be a stretch because after more than 50 years of drug and alcohol abuse he is not what he was which might explain why he has abandoned a lifetime of support for the Republican party and now backs, reluctantly, Hiliary. Here is some of his uncollected bile on Trump:
1. "I am endorsing Hillary, and all her lies and all her empty promises," O'Rourke continued. "It's the second-worst thing that can happen to this country, but she's way behind in second place. She's wrong about absolutely everything, but she's wrong within normal parameters."
2. "The man has no intellect, no character, he's not even a very good businessman.
"He's that loudmouth that's on the bar stool: every now and again he says something amusing but you don't put that guy in charge."
3. He said Mrs Clinton was likely to win the US general election in November.
"Women support her, minorities support her, younger voters support her," he said.
"The only problem is that these are groups that are famous for not voting.
"Whereas Trump voters...through 50 inches in slush in November, they will make it to the polls."
4. Who are these jacklegs, highbinders, wire-pullers, mountebanks, swellheads, buncombe spigots, boodle artists, four-flushers and animated spittoons offering themselves as worthy of America’s highest office?
Do they take us voters for fools? Of course they do. But are they also deluded? Are they also insane? Are they receiving radio broadcasts on their teeth fillings telling them they’d be good presidents?
Clinton, Bush, Fiorina, Sanders, Rubio, Cruz, Kasich, Huckabee, Christie, Santorum, O’Malley, Jindal, Graham, Pataki, Chafee, and Trump.
That’s not a list of presidential candidates. That’s the worst law firm in the world. That’s a law firm that couldn’t get Caitlyn Jenner off on a charge of Bruce Jenner identity theft.
5. The shuttle from the local old-age home will send a few senile Republicans to the polls. A Democratic National Committee bus will collect some derelicts from skid row. And we will have the first president of the United States elected by a franchise limited to sufferers from Alzheimer’s disease and drunken bums.
6. Meanwhile, I support Donald Trump – because of something the great political satirist H.L. Mencken said: “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”
7. Trump’s chief domestic policy will be to appear on TV. That’s one reason he’s leading in the polls. Americans can relate to Trump. The first and foremost goal of everyone in America is to be on TV.
As president, Trump will get to be on TV all the time, 24/7. But this might not be all bad. Just spraying his hair during commercial breaks should keep Trump too busy to push any other birdbrain domestic policies the way President Obama has.
8. And Trump can yell “You’re fired!” all he wants. It will make for a healthy turnover in Trump cabinet appointees such as Ivanka, Dennis Rodman, Larry King, and Vince McMahon.
Plus, Trump understands the American economy. He’ll push America’s economic growth the same way he pushed his own – with bad debt, bad debt, and more bad debt.
9. The average American household debt is now more than $225,000. Trump has “restructured” $3.5 billion in business debt and $900 million in personal debt. (“Restructured” being the Trump way of saying he didn’t pay it.) We Americans know a leader when we see one!
Americans love debt. Otherwise America’s national debt wouldn’t have gone from $15 billion in 1930 to $18 trillion today. If Trump gets in the Oval Office, the sky is the limit.
10. Then, imagine Trump’s foreign policy. Here’s a guy who seems to be under the illusion that he’s about 10 times richer than he actually is, who believes Obama was born in Karjackistan to the Queen of Sheba, and who thinks childhood vaccination caused the movie Rain Man. Russia, China, Iran, ISIS, the Taliban, and Hamas will be paralyzed with fear. Who knows what this lunatic will do?
The American government is of the people, by the people, for the people. And, these days, America is peopled by 320 million Donald Trumps. Donald Trump is representative of all that we hold dear: money. Or, rather, he is representative of greed for money. We common people may not be able to match Trump’s piggy bank, but we can match his piggishness.
And in this era of inflated self-esteem, which has become so fundamental to Americanism that it’s taught in our schools, we can all match Trump’s opinion of his own worth. Trump claims to be worth billions—seven of them as of 2012.
In 2004 Forbes magazine estimated Trump’s net worth to be $2.6 billion. New York Times reporter Timothy O’Brien looked into the numbers and came up with a net worth figure between $150 and $250 million. Trump sued O’Brien and lost.
11. Also typical of modern Americans is Trump’s bad taste. True, he doesn’t dress the way the rest of us do—like a nine-year-old in twee T-shirt, bulbous shorts, boob shoes, and league-skunked sports team cap. And Trump doesn’t weigh 300 pounds or have multiple piercings or visible ink. He puts his own individual stamp on gaucherie. And we like it. We’re a country that cherishes being individuals as much as we cherish being gauche.
Trump’s suits have a cut and sheen as if they came from the trunk sale of a visiting Bombay tailor staying in a cheap hotel in Trump’s native Queens and taking a nip between fittings. Trump wears neckties in Outer Borough colors. And, Donald, the end of your necktie belongs up around your belt buckle, not between your knees and your nuts. Trump’s haircut makes Kim Jong Un laugh.
Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn’t look the way America does. And the way America looks is due, in no small part, to buildings Trump built.
In the 1970s he ruined Grand Central Station’s Commodore Hotel, turning it into a Grand Hyatt. Built in 1919, the handsome neo-French Renaissance tower was covered by Trump with cheap glazing—the epitome of seventies smoked glass coffee tables to snort cocaine from, except all its surfaces are vertical.
And Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, bearing the same relation to the noble white mausoleum in Uttar Pradesh as a turd bears to a prize in a Cracker Jack box.
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