Tiff's Tasty Treats Restaurant.

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Tiff's Tasty Treats Restaurant.

Post by Dusak »

''Well ladies, welcome to the grand opening of Tiff's Tasty Treats restaurant. Now, first point...what’s that Doreen? Yes I know they’ve missed the R from treats, but who looks at the sign anyway? That's why I've stuck a picture of Omar Sharif on the door, take the attention away... its not Omar but the geezer out of Monty Python?...Well the bloke in the Abudi book shop said it was him..oh well, no matter. It's a deja vu situation for me as...What does it mean?... Well it means that if you find yourself in a situation that you think you've experienced before ...Yeah, I suppose like a born again Christian Kelly.... Anyway, as some may know or not know, I'm no novice to the food industry as I first ran, then owned my own pet food shop. So its now sold on a plate instead of in a box or a bag. So nothing difficult or different in that then so should be easy peasy... yeah, very funny Kelly, they may ask for a doggy bag''

''Now, our uniforms. As you can see they are the full Hijab in a nice satin black that I made up for us. I was good at handicrafts and design at school so now all that hard work and detention has come in handy. The first... what’s that Thelma, your glasses are steaming up with the Burka? Not to worry as soon as you start moving about the up draft will clear them. Anyway, as I was saying, the uniform. We all like a ciggy and a drink, yeah, but the Burka bit of the uniform sorta restricts this, yeah, so I had the brilliant brainwave to use an A-four office punch to place two holes at lip level. Now you'll find that a ciggy will fit perfectly snug into your mouth through this, but better still, the other hole will take a straw so you can have a quick drink while your working. This is also more hygienic as you don't want to use the same hole for both... you heard the Egyptian men do Thelma? I thought they just drank out the bottle... Anyway's, don't be tempted to leave your ciggy dangling while you do something else as I don't want to see one of you running around with your head on fire. But a word of warning yeah, make sure that when you use the punch that your top lip is not between the plate and the plungers cos it hurts like hell when you close it, yeah.''

''Now, back to the uniform. I decided to make us look Egyptian mainly due to the fact that there are very few tourists about, its all about understanding your customer base... it means who is going to be your main spender Thelma, so we are going to mainly cater for the Egyptian trade, yeah. Now, we only look like Egyptian Muslim ladies...What's that you say Kelly, you are a Muslim. When did that happen then? Last week when you got wed. Congratulations, we'll have a bevy after work to celebrate. Anyway, at the moment we all look the same, so I don't want any confusion as we all look like four skittles on wheels trying to find out who's who so I'm going to paint a little number on the back of our heads with this pink nail polish, yeah? Then we know who we are looking for. I'm number one, Kelly is number two, Thelma's number three, Doreen four... Why don't we use name tags? Good point Thelma, especially as I'm getting a bit low on my pink blink. Can you see to those Kelly as you must have plenty considering how many jobs you’ve had in the local restaurants... yes I know it was always a misunderstanding, that's one of the problems with having a lisp I suppose.''

''So, the thing to remember, yeah, is always greet the customer with a happy smile and... I think they can still see your mouth through the material Doreen if your stood close enough... or we could just open our lips and show our teeth, yeah... like that guy on the Wallis and Grommet show... Anyway, you greet them with afwan, which is Egyptian for welcome... I know God gave you a lisp Kelly and you find it hard to say...OK, just you say welcome if that's easer for you... What if they’re German? Just change the W to a V, you know velcome, that sounds German enough yeah. Anyway, to your station girls and lets hope for a successful night.''

''Wow, what a night that was, eh girls? Went well but I think that we need to highlight one or two slight hiccups, yeah. First of all, I know you are the humorous one Doreen, but playing leapfrog over Kelly when she's praying was a silly thing... Oh, you weren’t praying, you were looking for your contact lens... anyway, still silly to do in four inch heels in the middle of the restaurant, you could of slipped and caused yourself an injury, yeah, better to ware flats in future. Yes I know a couple of the customers thought it funny, but not the one sat at the table your head hit knocking over his drink.''

''Thelma, the customers sat at table seven, yeah, the Egyptian Muslim family. When they had finished their meal and asked you what was in it and you said layered beefbacon lasagna, yeah, well beefbacon is one word, not beef and bacon. It took us an hour to clean all the vomit off the table and they refused to pay, yeah. Kelly, the Japanese people we had in, yeah, try not to tuck your uniform into your undies when you've been to the loo. They must of thought we where putting on a Sumo wrestling night for them... I understand that your a big girl Kelly and you can't turn round in the loo as its a bit narrow...perhaps a mirror on the door would help, yeah. Compliments to you Doreen, table two, the Egyptian man when he said Salaam Alaikum to you, you covered up quickly by saying sorry its my first day, could you show me where it is on the menu... hopefully your hearing aid will be fixed soon, yeah. Back to Doreen, as usual, a failed attempt at humour. The four Arab looking gentlemen on table three, yeah. I don't think they got the joke when you did a twirl in your Hijab and asked them did your bomb look big in this. That was another lost sale when they rushed for the door. I know that your from the East end of London Thelma, but that posh looking Egyptian you where talking to... yeah, that one that kept asking you when you were working and how long and where did you live... it was impolite to keep calling him Gov all the time... What's that Kelly, he was the new Governor... ****!''

Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.

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