My Religion.

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My Religion.

Post by Bullet Magnet »

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away.. Oh Wrong story. :oops:

My religion is hidden behind this very personal story, you will either get it or you wont.. Its all true.

My Mother was 21, and she was a nurse who had married a dark dashing handsome intelligent Doctor 6 years her senior.
Patricia Ann, and John Malcolm France.

They brought the married forward by a few months when she fell pregnant. that was the norm back then, but they figured that they could just
say I was premature when I was born, after all who could argue with a Doctor and a Nurse, despite any suspicions...
I WAS born prematurely, and it has something to do with an incident on the stairs in a house in Beeford.
Somehow I survived the trauma and had always been open to that which cannot be seen which made me a very happy baby and young child.

Now those memories cannot easily be recounted with the human words that we use, and also how I used to see things, they are difficult to explain, but as I got older an more aware of this world we live in I can at least write about that. you do need to pay attention and hopefully see the clues..

A Long time ago, I was bout 6, and I heard the voices of Angels singing to me, this was the fist time I hard that that I was aware of.
I was in the Kitchen, and my Mum was doing the washing in one of those old twin tub washing machines.

The words this angel was singing resonated with me, and this angel was calling me, but I did not full understand the words, but I knew they were important.

A few years passed and I was in my bedroom alone, and my mother had just left the room to go to attend to one of my younger siblings,( Sister and brother )
and another angel was singing to me, but this one sounded sad, and was warning me of something that was in the process of passing.

I could have given those words more attention, but our house was not the happiest of houses, despite the outward appearances, things were going wrong, and I was starting to loose control.

I had a happy outlook on life and I coudl always see the funny side of eveything and to a degree understood the meaning of event, I also had precognition, and could read the signs so to speak.
seeing nothing wrong in expressing my laughter would often get me into trouble as would my prophecies that were spoken out of innocence of the impending event.
eventually the laugher and the prophecies got me so badly beaten that fear came into my life and I had to be careful when I laughed and could no longer say what was on my mind..

The Angels were silent for a long time, the occasional whisper was all I received.
But then a small miracle took place one Christmas while I was living in yet another place, this time Sheffield. I received a gift which was not quite what it seemed.
Only I could see it for what it really was, it was my first Girlfriend, she was small and very pretty, and she wore a read leather dress. She had no name that I liked to use, and she did not care
about that anyway. When we were alone together, everything was allright and the world was good again. I knew she coudl not be with me all the time, and I accepted that or maybe just didnt worry about it.
She kept me company day and night and spoke as I listened, but again, although the words kept me in perpetual fascination while we were together, I would often loose the meaning completely when we were apart.

My problem was that I had received another "gift", it was a gift I did not want, it was a gift that did not make it's presence known, it was invisible, had I been given the choice, I would never have accepted it, but this insidious gift craved attention and needed feeding, but I was unaware of this.
This other "gift" was fear, now that in itself can be overcome, as can all fears, as all you need to do is expose yourself to that fear for long enough and the fear will eventually fade. But fear can and will lead you to its metamorphosed invisible incarnation named Anger.

Years later, The Source of my fear left me, it was a physical source and while I was relieved at that precise moment,
I also realised that this source of fear for me, was a perverse source of nourishment for another person in my life, and that this departure was having a terrible effect on this person.
There was nothing I could do, the elders gathered and decisions were made, my input was not required.
My source of fear was gone, I was starting to live again, and being the sort of person who enjoys his own company I started to rekindle my affair with my Girlfriend and that of her friends that she started to bring along with her.
I would sit in the back room of our old cottage on my own. I would firstly rush through my school homework and then stuff all the books into my satchel, then light a fire and sit at the big table, drawing, painting, listening to my radio cassette player, with my girlfriend by my side, she loved watching me do these things.
Then she would disappear when my mum came in to tell me it was time for bed.

One day in School, the Gideons came along, and they gave out small bible to everyone. Some kid came by later in the day and he had bought a few of them off the other kids, I almost sold him mine for 5pence, but I changed my mind and took it home. I got home and went into the lounge, my mum was sitting on the sofa. I said here you are and I tossed the Bible into her lap, but as I did that, she started to get up from the couch, so she leaned forward to do so, and the bloody bible hit her on the head. Not hard, it was more symbolic..

That night, her grandmother came to her in a vision and told her everything would be allright. I too had said so much, but the words of a 12 year old child mean nothing to an adult, but she certainly listened to this apparition of her grandmother, an Irish lady who was a mother to 23 children.

That was it, my mother was now a Christian and was all over the place, a new light came on in her life, and I was forced to go to church.
the first time I went, I got a good vibe off the grounds, as I passed the 2 Yew trees at either side of the Church gates, but as I entered the church and heard the organ playing, all I could see was corpses in the pews. I was afraid, very afraid..
I did my best to get out of Church, it was summer, all I wanted to do was make hay in the meadows, working on the farm up the road with my new found friend John, the farmers son. He was like a big brother to me and he tough me many things about farming, and machinery I was a natural at this sort of thing, and he too had the same laid back attitude to life and he loved music as well. This meant I could fix my mums car for her and do things around the house that would normally be the fathers job.

I also used to go to church once a week at night to wind up the church clock, as the church warden, an old farmer was getting too old to climb the steeple steps. he taught me how to do things in the clock tower and also how to ring the bells, but I was not interested in ringing the bells, but on occasion I would ring the single bell downstairs in the morning to call the people to church. Like the Azan I suppose ?
This man reminded me of a lesson one night, he said. "David, in this world you have nothing to fear, no Devil, Ghosts, monsters. What you will have to fear is people"
"I know" I said, "the ghosts have never frightened me, and I have never seen a monster, but I do know that people can be bad, why are people bad" ?

I will answer that question in the next part of this story..

Another move ensued, and we lived in a more modern cottage close to the River Dee, this is a very flat area, and very few tree's, despite it's name ( Isycoed) which means "in the Trees"
At this point in the landscape, the river snakes along the ground, where previously it had followed the valleys from the mountains above, it then moves out towards Chester and then to the Sea.
Those days were good, we had just had a new addition to the family, a yellow Labrador puppy by the name of Flash. I missed my friend, but I could get on my bike and go to see him from time to time, but I was getting older, I had friends in school, and once I got to about 15, my mum finally decided that I did not have to go to church anymore, but I would still happily help out the church by cutting the grass around the graves and resting under the Yew trees with a bottle of Robinsons orange juice in between the grass cutting sessions, it was hard work, but I enjoyed it.

I realised that my mother was lonely, despite the church meetings, friends, and home life, and had for want of a better expression "lost her LOVE".

One time during the day, I was with my friend Tim listening to some rock music, He was playing air guitar I was on the drums, and my mum came in and said what are you 2 doing ?
I said "he is Ritchie Balckmore playing Air guitar and I am being Cozy Powell on the drums"...
"Why" she said ?
"well, I can play air guitar" I said, and we laughed and carried on..

One Friday night, I was as ususal in the back room, drawing, listening to music, a new genre of music this time, this was rock music, the music of the Devil they called it, though I never ever saw it like that, yeah those people may dress up all scary looking and wore black, which is what I always wore when given the choice, but it was melodic it had fire and soul.
Next morning, I got up early and went outside and dug up a border around the front lawn, leaving 2 grassed areas in the border as a small path to get onto the lawn, one by the front door and one by the side of the lawn it was also used to get the lawn mower on and off the lawn.
It only took me a few hours and I was really pleased with how it looked. nice clean cut borders of soil about 3feet wide all around the lawn. I even found an old plank of wood to use to keep the borders tidy and straight. :cool:
What on earth possessed me to do that ?
My mother was quite pleased at the results when she came down stairs, although the initial impression was "Oh God, what have you done now David" ?
My mother went into town and bought seeds and plants. The borders soon became populated with flowers and blooms, come the summer it looked wonderful, truly the spirit had moved me in such a way as to help promote my mother into taking action to restore her LOVE.
I recall the words in the brochure when the house went up for sale after she died.. "well stocked gardens"

I then borrowed a Rotavator off my Art Teacher in School, and I dug up about a 3rd of the back garden and planted vegetables of all varieties which again, my mother helped me out with to maintain. We ate well that year, along with all the berries that we had picked to make jam.

I gave up trying to introduce men into my mothers life, she had become a little cynical I think, there was my school bus driver who I knew was a good bloke and then a man I met on the lanes one day and invited him back, he visited once or twice but I think it became apparent nothing was going to happen.

at 17and 3/4 , My time at home was now coming to an end, I had been in art college, but they did not allow me the freedom to express my art the way I wanted to, so I got a job designing printed circuit boards for an electronics company. I knew about electrical components and how to assemble them, so i could take an engineers design that had been drawn on the back of a fag packet and create a circuit broad design from his rough etchings.
Our company moved from Wales to the Isle of Man. I was sent over to the Isle of Man before the others were to setup the factory, and lay out all the new equipment and the stuff that was being shipped across.
I became friends with a telecom engineer, he was in a band and he invited me to come and watch them, as they were playing at the Hotel Continental. It was the night of my mothers 40th Birthday, 18th July 1980, and I had already called her to wish her happy birthday.

The Band were great, they had a huge repertoire of music that they played, I sat by the stage watching in awe...
They then called half time so I went to the bar to get a drink, by then it was dark, people were happy couples together in love, groups of girls having a lugh as were the boys, the vibe was magical.
When I got to the bar I didn't even know what to order, I didn't fancy a pint, so I ordered a scotch.
I took a couple of sips of this scotch, I was in a good mood and really happy. I was aware of a party of girls just in front of me, an done of them ended up accidentally knocking the scotch out of my left hand. She paused and then said she was sorry in a broken French accent, she said she was with her friends out for the and that her other friend was Italian, she confirmed this in a broken Italian accent and they almost had me fooled, the girl offered to buy me another drink ,as she was going to the bar anyway as it was her round. I said OK, thanks, and headed back towards the stage. In all honesty I didnt expect to see her again, the place was packed and she was one heck of a pretty looking girl, with very long auburn hair and they were having such a good time as was everyone else which pleased me..
Anyhow the band started playing again, and I was getting back into the music, you could see some of the sexy looking girls doing their stuff, great looking bodies swaying with the music, which in my mind is wonderful to see, people just getting on and to hell with what anyone may think .
next thing, this girl with the long hair and pretty face comes to me and hands me my drink !, she is talking to me in her broken French, it was difficult at first, but I did know some French anyway, so I asked her if she would like to dance in French, (Voulezvous danser avec moi s'il vous plaît )
when she looked confused I said, "look, lets cut the crap, you are not French are you ? and your Irish friend there is not Italian either is she" ?

It turned out she was infact Scottish, a Glasgow lass from Yoker, I had recently enjoyed a Holiday up in Loch Lomond with my mum and Sister a couple of years before )
We had a laugh and a dance, The band then went into the closing song, I only ever heard it that one time, and I have never ever heard that song again, in all honesty I dont even think it exists down here, i was clearly that night on a much higher plane, or should I say WE were on a much higher plane.

We all got kicked out at closing time in the wee small hours and we went across the road into a shelter on the Promenade to talk and then say goodnight.
She told me that it was her 21st Birthday the next night and I could meet her at the hotel she worked in where she was a Silver Service waitress and join them all.

Now, I was seeing an Irish girl at the time, by the name of Michelle, She had just left the island and I had left our short relationship in her hands by giving her my address. I had met her in the "Smugglers Cove", a great downstairs bar on the Prom' of Douglas, we were only at the getting to know each other stage, she was older than me I suspected, but she had some form of underlying sadness about her and I suspected she may have been taking a sabbatical from a relationship, hence the cheap hotel she was staying in for the week.

The next night I went to the Hotel to meet my new amour, but as I got the the reception I heard another man asking about her, and I thought I had better leave, because there was no way I was going to go with her and her friends if there was another man on the scene, not much point really, plus I had turned down an invite that day from some people that I had befriended who were doing work at the factory I was looking after. so I turned to leave and thought I would go and meet my mates in the Smugglers as I knew they would be there.

As I did so, my new amour was coming into the Hotel, she said Hi to me and went over to the other bloke to explain to him that her sister was already at the casino, it turns out that this guy was looking for the sister of my new amour, and he had been told that she knew where her sister was, hence why he was asking for her.

Anyway, we had a great night that night, and we finished off up in the Falcon Hotel, which is on top of the cliffs above Douglas, there is a very steep stairway leading to that place.
We went back to my place that evening and we have hardly been apart ever since.

Since then, my wife as she is now took up nursing and has since become a Specialist nurse working in the premature baby unit at the local hospital, saving babies lives...
My love of technical stuff has taken me into being an System administrator in both Windows AND Linux.
We have had 3 children ( 2 boys and a girl ) , and 4 grandsons, with a Granddaughter on the way. all of whom have completely different personalities, but if you look very closely I can see the reincarnation of my parents and that of my wife, history repeating itself, well not quite, because there is a huge element of karma involved in all of this, and with that knowledge tucked under my belt....... :br


The next part of this story is going to go back a few years, it will sew together parts of this story up to the present day, I will go into confessional mode and admit some of my great life mistakes, and some of the more esoteric things that I have had happen in my life, as well as explanations of random acts which infact held a message.


There's a time for everyone, if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Scottishtourist »

Don't you think this is just more so coincidence than religion BM?

If someone is a non-believer of any kind of faith..then does it really matter who they marry,who they fall in love with?

My father-in-law was a lovely man...but a bitter auld *******!I do not use that term as abusive..he WAS a *******..born out of wedlock and adopted by a Catholic family!
He had 8 sons,I married one of them!
But all through the marriage he was dominating.His son(my husband)was the same!

I came from mixed marriage union.My mum converted to Catholiscm to marry my dad!But even she would protest now and again!Not go to Mass on a Sunday,following Saturday night row!My dad had gone to "miners club"and had come home too late!

But..we get over it.We don't brood on it!
That was their life..it ain't mine!

I'm 53 now and I can honestly say that I don't have the time left to resent anything.How long have I got.Another 20/30 years maybe?

So no point dwelling in the past!
Forget and forgive!

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Who2 »

The Lady of the Lake..... :cool:
"The Salvation of Mankind lies in making everything the responsibility of All"
Sophocles.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by carrie »

Thanks for sharing BM look forward to part two.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Bullet Magnet »

OH S.T, you jumped in way too early, :stp The story is not yet complete... Forgive ? forgive what ? :cool:
There's a time for everyone, if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by LovelyLadyLux »

Waiting for part 2 BM!

:up :up

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Bullet Magnet »

There are no such things as co-incidences, well there are, but they should never be dis-missed.
Co means mutal, and incidence means something happening. I will try to demonstrate that with some events.

So, back to the 80's.

After that summer of 1980, I left my Job, the boss was corrupt as a 9 bob note, and had moved all the funding from the Welsh Development Agency into making his new luxury home, plus as Karma, the WDA then wanted that money back, because he had moved the business out of Wales. Last I heard back then, he did a flit to Ireland.

I was back in Wales briefly, and then Alison and I went to find work for the Winter in Scotland. We then went back to the Isle of Man and I got a job in the same hotel as Alison, I had a great number there. I was night porter come barman, so after the bar staff went home, I took over the bar and then I would tidy up the lounge and reception area,then I would wake up the staff in the morning ready for them to serve breakfast. Also wake up the guest who were on the early boat back to the UK mainland and bring their cases down.
After my breakfast, I would go to bed for a few hours, then had the rest of the day to go out and do stuff.
it was a dead easy job and I got lots of tips from half ****** customer's.

One night, all was quiet, no one was around, but I was aware of a man standing at the Reception desk. He was leaning against the counter as if waiting for someone to serve him.
I thought it was odd that he had not rung the bell, even more odd that the doors to the reception always banged shut, and I had not heard that. Anyway when I got to the reception, he was no longer there. I searched but could not find him.
The next night, I had a call from one of the rooms asking me to call the doctor as one of the residents was not well. The Doctor came and I took him up to the room that had called me.
The door opened and I was greeted by a lady who I assumed was the daughter of an elderly couple. There was an old man in his bed, and an old lady sitting at his side.
When I saw the man, he looked like the man I had seen at reception the night before.
Anyhow, the next night I was asked to call the doctor again, and once again we went up to the room, and it was clear to me the old man had died. His clothes were hanging on the side of the wardrobe, and they WERE the same clothes that the man was wearing when I saw him at reception.

Getting his body out of the Hotel was like something out of a Monty Python sketch. It was early morning, and I was having to assist in getting the body bag out of the Hotel without anyone noticing, but I also had a list of residents to wake up early. There were a few close calls but eventually we had him in the back van via the fire escape.

this episode brought back a memory of a previous summer when I was about 13 or 14. When we were in the process of leaving the old cottage to go to Isycoed, my friend and I went to the new house to decorate it. We decided to stay the night, and we went into what was going to become my room, and we settled down on the floor inside our sleeping bags.
I got up in the middle of the night, which was rare for me, as I usually used to sleep straight through the night.
I got up and started to walk down the corridor towards the toilet which was directly opposite my bedroom. I saw a dog standing there and it was looking up at me. I wondered how it had got in to the house, we probably had not locked the doors ( that was the norm back in those days when you lived in the country ), so I went to switch on the light and then the dog was not there.
the doors were all shut, the only place it could have gone was down the stairs or into my room, which it had not, it had simply vanished into fresh air.
About 1 year later, it was a sunny afternoon, but I was in my bedroom listening to music. I notice the bread van go past, and in that instance, I seemed to have a call to go outside and into the narrow country lane outside our house. as I looked down the lane, I saw a dog lying in the road, as I approached it was obvious that it was dead, upon closer examination, this dog was the same dog I had seen in my house that night. It turned out that it belonged to a girl named Lorna who lived up the road.

Staying in that era, and in the summer of 1977, 2 things happened. First off my sister and I were told that we were going to stay with my Grandma and Grandad in Halifax. We stayed for about a week. It seemed very odd to me, because no one had actually told us why ?
I was bored, it was a city, and environment I was not used to. They lived near Saville Park on a cobbled street named Emscot Grove. I wandered about a bit, trying to get my bearings and exploring the locality, which was all I could think of doing. One time I went with my Grandad to the shop, he was struggling to get up one of the hills, he seemed tired and he asked me to slow down.
The next day, I went out of the back door which led to an alleyway, to the right was a high wall, on the left, the houses.
I started to walk up the alleyway and as I did, a lad a couple of years older than me, maybe 16 or 17 jumped down off the wall, which in itself I thought was an amazing fete given the height of such a wall, and then he puched me right in the stomach really hard. I was winded and probably started to cry. He disappeared back up the wall, god knows how, and I sat on my Grandparents back door steps to get my breath back and recompose myself, as I didnt want anyone to see me crying when I went back inside.
It was 2 years later before I realised why that happened. it turns out that at that particular time, my Grandad had been diagnosed with emphysema, and was having to take early retirement. Then they discovered he had Stomach cancer, and that is what finished him off, quite quickly after the diagnosis.
The next skeleton to come out of the closet was to be revealed 5 years after my Grandad died, and was related to my stay in Halifax that week.

The second odd thing that happened in the summer of 77, was that I got invited to go to Moel Famau to light the beacon on the 7/7/1977 for the Queens Silver jubilee.
I found the whole evening a little surreal, as it all happened rather quickly, I was picked up and practically driven all the way to the top of Moel famau, and we watched the beacon on the left of us come to life, we lit our beacon, then the next beacon on the right of us was lit. Moel famau is a place I love very much, I have climbed it many times, with my family and with my grandchildren, we are regular visitors, and I also like to stop off and sit on the side of a mountain here and watch the sunsets behind Moel famau, a truly magical place.
Moel famau means Great Mothers Hill.

Now we are back in Glasgow, we had enjoyed our last year in the Isle of Man, we have a nice flat which is a basement in an old tenement building, on the corner of Grey Street and ParkGrove terrace. it overlooks Kelvingrove park and is close to the Art galleries and museum, we loved it there, and in 1983, we have our first child Gordon.

All goes well, I was not really working, but then I have always managed to get by because I know I will always be looked after have what I need when I need it, it is called abundance.
We are enjoying life and our new addition to the family.
a year or so later, and our next son is on the way and we also get some news that is going to cause a massive change.
The owner of our flat decides to sell up, so we have to move out. for the life of us, we cannot find anywhere suitable to live, and we go to the council but all we are going to end up with is on a really rough estate somewhere.
We decide that we cant carry on in Glasgow, so by November 1983, I ask my mum if I can come and stay with her for a bit, so we can get housing here in Wales,
as clearly our life in Scotland is now at an end.

My mother reluctantly agrees, she has the room, as my Sister is now married and living in her own house, coincidentally, my Grandmother has now got a new man in her life and they are married.
So we move down to Wales, and I get a job quite quickly, and all we have to do now, is find a house to live in.

one night, my mum has had car trouble, so I was asked to fix it, my good friend Neil has also been helping my mother with her car during the time I was away from home, Neil and I had known each other since school, though we hated each other when we first met, we found common ground and got on really well in the end and became best friends.
Anyway, I am revving up the engine, listening to the sound trying to determine the cause of the problem, my Mum in a rare display of anger shouts at me from the front door to tell me to stop doing that, because she is dying and needs peace.. I was stunned to say the least, as was standing there in her nurses uniform, not exactly looking like she was on deaths door, but as it tuned out. she was infact dead 4 moths later.
She had breast cancer and had spent a week in Christies hospital in Manchester having scans and all sorts of treatments, she had made her decision not to go with the mastectomy and chemotherapy, which back then was no guaranteed cure for this disease. this was the reason why my Sister and I had been staying with my Grandparents back in 1977.

was it lucky that Alison and I were now staying with my Mother ? it seemed so. she had 24 hour care from us, I managed to contact my little brother who had not been in touch for years, and it was one of her dying wishes that Robert contacted her again. My father had taken him back in 1974 when he left us, he then moved back to Yorkshire and put Robert in a boarding school. Robert had changed and he visited on the first Christmas after they left us, but he was rude and arrogant and a general pain in the backside, he didnt want to be with us, so his visit was cut short and he collected his presents and left later that day.
My mother was bed bound in the downstairs back room where I used to more or less live when I was a kid. very early one morning, she asked me to take her upstairs as she wanted to be in her own bed, and not in the bed that the hospital had given us to use.
It was a struggle getting her up the stairs, it was a humiliating moment for her as her bowels opened up halfway up the stairs, and I had to clean her.
I laughed it off and said, that she had to wipe my arse often enough over the years..
She died 2 days later, in agony, and pain, despite the tablets and medication, I ended up having a word with the Doctor to see what she could do, and a couple of hours later, my mother had left her mortal coil and the pain of this world behind. I told my mother not to worry, "Grandma had a new man in her life, I was with Alison, my Sister had a husband and a new life, so all the people you care about have no problems in their life, and you can now leave in peace"...
I refused to be with her at the time of her death, I have always believed that you need to pass over on your won, in quiet and in the dark, with no people around you, as this is a very personal moment and other peoples energies can hinder that passing over process.

I found some notes she had left, she was begging Jesus to forgive her for having to divorce my father, and asking him to take away the pain. I think she had seen this cancer as a form of punishment from god.
She also wrote notes about me, and she said that I was destined for hell if I didn't find Jesus in my life to save me.

It was all a bit of a whirlwind after that day. it was to be a long hot glorious summer that year.
I got a new job, we got a house, and our second Son had been born 5 days before my mum died. on the night of his birth, my mum was like new again, she had a short new lease of life, organising things and getting an ambulance to come out and doing all her nursey things.

A few months after my mum died, my father contacted me and asked if he could come and meet the family and catch up, I said OK, so he came down with his wife and the son they had together, he was about 4 years old. All I can say about the visit that it was all very polite. A few weeks after that, my brother then came to visit, during that time, when I got home form work, he told me that dad had killed himself, he had taken a lethal drug of some kind in a hotel in Whitby. He left notes for people, but nothing for me.
I was not mentioned in the will, nor was my sister, I didn't expect anything anyway, but my brother had enough money to buy a reasonable house. once he had that money, he left us and said he was off to Europe to work as a mountain climbing instructor.

in the meantime, we had a baby girl, Lorna. I have been present at all my children's births, and all I can say is that this one was certainly different. The baby came, and I knew there was going to be trouble by the scream she let out at the moment of her birth..

A few years have now passed, my brother it seems had blown all his inheritance money living the high life in the skiing season in Austria with all the hooray Henries and no doubt the Henryetta's.
He had been clever enough to get another sizeable loan from the bank while the coffers where high, almost the same amount that dad had left him, and he then took off to various places around the world.

He came to visit us, he was starting to get settled, but was making plans to go to Australia, so this was a sort of goodbye again. one thing that struck me, and my eldest son noticed this too, even though he was maybe 7 or 8 at the time, was how enamoured my daughter was with my brother upon seeing him. she stuck to him like glue, and went everywhere with him during the few days he was with us. my own suspicions were now growing even stronger.


The Sins of the father.

in the early days after my birth, my dad was now a GP, and had secured a plumb job in the up and coming place of Reading. This was one of THE places to be in those days. Nice leafy suburbs in the expanding commuter belt for London, a very affluent place.
Now, it appears that my old man made a huge mistake and got involved with the other practices Doctors wife.
He was unceremoniously booted out of the practice, and left Reading in a hurry.
My mother said she never liked the place anyway, she said they were all trying to keep up with each other, if one hose got a new set of curtains,
then all the other houses got a new set of curtains..

So, they ended up with nowhere to live and stayed with my maternal grandparents which must have been hard as they only had 2 rooms, and my uncle was about 13 at the time, so he had to go and sleep in the attic.

One day, my dad observed my uncle reading a book, really fast. my dad commented and said how can you do that so fast ? he said he had a photographic memory, so he didnt have to study anything, just read it once and he could recite it back at any time.
My Dad flew into an almighty rage, he could not comprehend how someone could have it so easy, He had been taught that you have to work hard, study long, suffer to get to great heights and yet here was a 13 year old kid who could pick up a book on any subject read the book and appear to master the subject instantly.
To say he was jealous was an understatement. Sadly he never bothered to question how this could be and maybe question his own beliefs about studying and indeed how to get the things in life that you want in the way that I do these days.

Anyway, it seems that the marriage had survived this affair, and we went to live in the Dales, in a village named Reeth. We had to stay in a rented cottage and my mother and father designed a house together and got the necessary permission to build it, against all the odds, but the village needed a Doctor, and there were no suitable houses in the immediate locale.
I was very happy in that cottage, I spent a lot of time alone, as I had 2 younger siblings as you know, I had a connection with what you may call the spirits, and I was a very happy child there.
occasionally I would see this old lady in black, she was in a bed by the window in the lounge, and I would stand by her and look up at her. we didn't speak, just looked at each other.

I was aware of where my mother was at any given time, and what she was doing. I could sort of read her mind back then.

My father worked hard on that house, he dug the foundations by hand and did as many jobs as he could to save a few quid. That earned him some respect from the locals. as did his skills at being a Doctor. everyone liked my Mum, and we had a busy social life.

We moved into the new house, one could say my dad had paid his penance for his affair, as now here he was, in a nice new big house, best in the village, the respect of the locals and living in idyllic country location who's beauty is almost impossible to rival anywhere in the world.

I have no idea what happened, but we were on the move again, this time to Sheffield, where my dad was training to become an anaesthetist.
My mother cried the day we left, there was a tear in my eye too. the locals gave us a Silver tea service as a leaving present.
My old man cited that his partner in the practice was old and lazy and putting too much strain on him, I often wondered why my dad could not see that this old man
was soon going to retire, and then the practice would have been my fathers and he could then employ another Doctor to assist ?

So, after many moves we ended up in Wales where my father became a consultant anaesthetist here in the Maelor Hospital.
It was a very well paid job, exclusive parking space with his name on it, his own office etc...
3 months later, and he went on a camping trip with my brother, it was something we did a a couple of times a year, I knew something was not quite right, because I was not going, I had been told I was not coming and not to make a fuss.
Needless to say, he didn't return, except he did come back to say he had left to go and live with this other woman, and he had taken my brother as my brother had somehow decided he wanted to live with them and not us..???
Now, a few months earlier, and I was living in Cardiff. I had an old Dansette record player and I only had one or 2 singles, as they didn't like me listening to pop music,
this one night, i had the record player on, it was very low, i could barely hear it but I knew if I played it any louder, then I would be told to turn it off.
What I do remember is my Dad storming into the room and smashing up my record player in one of his rages.
It took a year or so to figure that one out..
The song I was playing was Sorrow by David Bowie, the opening lines state. "with your long blonde hair and your eyes of blue, the only thing I ever got from you was Sorrow"
I know what the song is about, many dont, but take it at its literal level, then once I met the woman my dad ran off with, who was a trainee Doctor with .. Long Blonde hair, and eyes of blue..

I will come back to this later, the last instalment and making the pieces all fit together. Oh and pictures too, pictures that will paint not exactly a thousand words, but quite a lot, and synchronicity at work, all explained..
There's a time for everyone, if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by carrie »

Bullet Magnet I am so glad you have written this, one part of it made me cry and gave me so much comfort. Thank you thank you.

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Re: My Religion.

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phpBB [video]
.... :cool:
"The Salvation of Mankind lies in making everything the responsibility of All"
Sophocles.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Dusak »

I saw a parallel in your life concerning you brother and the camping trip without you to my own. I won't bore the reader as to what this was, but it destroyed a young lads life.
Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Bullet Magnet »

Well Dusak, I see many parallels in my life and that of others on this Forum, which is why I am sharing this story. Its also quite cathartic for me.. :cool:
I also hope that if you pay attention, you may be able to see things in a different light, and maybe I am not quite as crazy as people may think.... not that matters a jot to me.

Whatever you may think about the various situations I found myself in, I have had a very happy childhood and life because of my attitude and perspective, my spirit ??
I act on what you could call my sixth sense, and that sometimes comes into conflict with what people judge as right.


Anyhow, putting some pieces together. ( The Esoteric stuff is just ghost stories really, precognitive moments, dead people that are alive and well,
and a strange event that took place after I had been in Romania for a week, in which basically I was told via some form of vision
that there was a battle going on above us, and that battle is now near the end.. Then a message of hope. regarding Angels... Its a bit weird, but
it may make sense in my conclusion which is to follow..)


This is a picture of my Mum on her honeymoon. They had a boat for the week, then went on a tour of North Wales and Scotland..

Image

That picture paints a thousand words, I will spell it out, what I see.

A woman on her own on a boat that 2 people were sharing, she is feeding 2 swans,
and the smaller last swan from her appears to be going away.
The boat is named Sunbonnet, so here is the next picture to complete part of the story.

We are the three children in that picture, my little brother is the one in the red shorts and the ?

Image

Co-incidence eh ? So much can be read from that one picture, the second does not complete the reading, merely complete part of a story in there.
there's another special message in there that only I will get. It goes deeper if you understand certain metaphors






I have always been a free spirit for want of a better expression, I know that I am being looked after and that there are forces at work I really dont understand,
I try to use my own internal moral compass as a guide, and sometimes I see signs in inanimate objects, as well as in nature, that guide me.
This conflicted with how my parents wanted me to be, but when you look at the situation, how was I ever going to get a good education going from place to place, school to school in different countries ?.

I knew I didn't need school, and the proof of the pudding is in the FACT that I am now in a job that was not even invented back then. Computers were unheard of.
When I did attend a computer course, I knew more than the people training me within 3 months.
Yes, I needed to read and write, but my parents could have taught me that, surely ?


Depression, and The Sin's of the father...


"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it"...



This is so true.

In about 1988, I was around 27 my then, and I was driving back home after going to the shops one night during Christmas time or maybe the runup.
I was almost home, and all of a sudden, this feeling came upon me, It was a horrible feeling like I had just received news that a loved one had died.
The feeling only lasted a few seconds, but it really did hurt.
over the years that feeling came again, and again, not with any particular regular occurrence, and it was over quickly. I now know that the feeling has a name, and it is depression.

25 years or so into our marriage, which neither of us wanted, but my Mum was quite insistent, and to some extent Alison's Mum was too.
I really didnt want to go down that route because there was no need to involve the government or church in our Love life. !
I figured that we would be together no matter what, What with all the signs that were present on the night that we met..
Another sign was that Alison lied about her age, she was infact already 21, and she was 22 the night of her 21st Birthday bash she invited me to.
She realised she was the oldest amongst her friends, and I think she felt she may be too old for them, so she knocked a year off her age.. whatever reason, it didn't matter, but synchronicity had another string to its bow with that information.


Now, I love PC gaming, and I had got right into a game which was basically driving around, having races and avoiding the Police or at least smashing up as many Police cars as you can to make your escape. You have a female accomplice in this game and every now and again she would help you out, she was undercover police, but she had a separate agenda to the traffic police.
This becomes relevant in a bit....


Family life was hard work, by now I done done maybe 20 years of raising children, working, maintaining the house, garden and cars, taxiing and ferrying kids about, I had lost contact with my higher self for so long, I had forgotten all about it. I had however always kept the child inside of me alive, assisted no doubt because of my Children an my level of involvement with them.

I was getting seriously bored, I had helped Alison through her nursing course a few years earlier by doing all her essays and typing them up, testing her with questions, driving to Tesco at 4am for a printer ink and paper to print off an essay due in that morning, all that sort of stuff. I almost knew as much as she did, but after she started work full time after she qualified, we hardly saw each other, and when we did, Alison was glues to the TV watching various programs, she would be very tired, and we had 3 kids still at home bleeding us dry.

Anyhow, I was working way too hard, and I felt like our relationship had gone more or less completely. The Free spirited long haired girl was now a responsible woman with short hair, as it was easier to manage, the naughty twinkle in her eye had gone, and I was just loosing all interest in just about everything, infact work was all I had by then.

I ended up chatting with some woman in work who was in a different company, but we shared the same building, it was in a small town about 19 miles form here, in the mountains.
She fascinated me, because I felt like I knew her, and I could not quite place how I knew her, what the "connection" was.
One Christmas and a few drinks later at a pub in the mountains at the office party, we realised there was something between us.
We got on well, we had loads in common, she didnt complain if I drove fast and shared my love for cars and computers, so we had an awful lot in common and got on like a house on fire,
now I have some other female friends like that, and the relationship is innocent enough.

One day on my way home from work, I pulled over to the side of the road, I had one of those sudden depression attacks, and quite literally broke down.
Eventually I composed myself, and put it down to "that awful feeling" again, and stress form work and the kids, and financial issues, even though I was not in any debt,
I never had any money and I was being pressured to do better, get a better job, but I enjoyed this particular job and did not want to leave.

One day on the way to work, I had a spectacular car crash, and fell off the mountain. I really have no idea what happened as I had driven that route hundreds of times, it was like a huge invisible hand had pushed my car around 180 degrees, and I ended up rolling down the mountain. I was unconscious for about 20 minutes at a guess. The car was still facing the other way.
Now, had I been paying attention, I would have realised that I should have left that job, as things were really going to go wrong.

Image

Alison showed little concern over the car crash, didn't even ask if I was OK, and that gnawed away at me, as did a few other things in our relationship. One day I had enough and left, I started up an affair with this other woman and although we got on and had a lot of fun, I was absolutely hating myself for doing that though. The problem was that certain signs were saying that this was OK and I should be with her. I was meeting my financial obligations to Alison by paying bills and the mortgage, so I guess that was my only consolation, that at least I was doing that much.

Also, My Daughter Lorna had given birth to her first child Calum, he was a lovely lad, and really good looking kid. My daughter struggled to bond with him. she had post natal depression and also she and her boyfriend had split up before the birth because he had a quick affair with her best friend, and they were never going to get back together after that. It fell on all of us to look after Calum, and it was a pleasure, but it was yet another straw on my back and my relationship with Alison.

What I will say here, is that My daughter and her Son, are what you may call reincarnations of my Mother and my Father. Not literally but in the spirit
of the nature of the Game of life, and how I see it working. The reasons why, I wont go into, it is possible to see thought...


I went very quiet, I started to drink quite a lot, and basically became numb.
one day my girlfriend came home and she had dyed her hair, she was now brown haired and not blonde anymore.
As I opened our door and saw her with her new hair colour, the expression on her face, it immediately hit me. I knew then where I had seen her before, she was the same girl as in that game I had been playing, she even wore the same clothes when the summer came, and I almost lost my mind over the following weeks, because I wondered how this could have happened like this.

In the end, I left her and my job, and went to live with a mate of mine on his farm in a caravan, he runs a small animal sanctuary, and I helped out there during the day,
I had by then all but stopped eating, apart from having a boiled egg at breakfast time.
I was by now suicidal, and I wanted to get away. for whatever reason, I decided to go to the Isle of Man.
I booked into the Castle Mona hotel, in its heyday in the 70's it was one of the top hotels, it was now starting to go into decline, but it was still a nice place.
My plan was to buy a bottle of Southern Comfort, take a load of pills and some drugs I had procured and throw myself off the cliffs by the abandoned camp site called the Howstrake.
If the fall didn't kill me and the rocks below, then I would probably drown as there was no way back up from there.

The first night I was there, I settled into bed, I am guessing that somewhere nearby there was a 70's revival night, because all the tunes and songs we used to listen to and dance to when we first met were playing. That night was absolute torture.
I went to an internet cafe the next morning and emailed Alison, I told her I was unhappy, and that the magic had completely left my life and I was going to find a better place to stay.
She immediately flew over and came to see me, I was still numb and didn't even recognise her when she turned up.
She came to me and said everything is going to be alright but it was going to be difficult, but not impossible. I had been away about a year by then.
She said why dont you have a bath, you look like ****, and she gave me some soap to use, it was orange in colour and it smelled really nice. After that, we ended up in bed and it seems we really had missed each other.
I was still having a bad time, I saw things moving about which to me looked like little mischievous demons every now and again.

I dont remember much after that, I cant even remember leaving the Isle of Man, the next thing I remember is being back at home. I have a few weeks missing that I cant remember.
That episode in my life was what I call, a HARSH SPELL. !

My daughter had her own place by then, my other 2 kids were out of the house more that they used to be, and Alison didn't seem to mind that I was not working.
We redecorated the house and I started to put weight back on again.
One day I went into town, I never really go into town much, but I was going to meet Alison after she finished work in the early afternoon.
As we walked past the travel agents, we both saw a Holiday for Luxor, it was only 421 pounds for the 2 of us for 1 week.
We booked it, and the price came down to 412 pounds, which was an added bonus.
We stayed at the delightful Mercure Inn on Temple street, formerly the Egotel.
I would say that the time we spent exploring this wonderful place in the Sunshine and warmth helped us heal the last of the rifts between us and we were now stronger than ever before, with a whole new level of understanding between us, it is as though the relationship has moved UP a level. So once again, a bad situation comes good in the end.

I spent 2 years off work, I have to admit, I played the system a bit, I went to the Doctor, get to see a shrink, who, when I saw him was in worse shape than I was, so we came to an agreement, he left me alone, and gave me 6 monthly sick notes, and I promised to make myself better.
Now, the spirit moves once again. During that time, we visited Luxor 7 times, we were hardly away from the place, I was taking an interest in something new, I was recovering slowly, and yet, my bank account never once went into the red.
Its a hard one to explain, but I didn't obsess over my bank account, I just checked every few months and there was money in there.

After my sabbatical, I got a job in Glan Clwyd Hospital, I was only supposed to be there for 4 months, setting up a whole load of computers to access the new digital X-Ray system.
Because of delays in supply of components, I offered to help out on the Helpdesk, and I did very well there, so then they put me on another project after I cleared out every single Helpdesk call, which was a first in that place, as typically there were always 40 jobs to be done.
I was taken on full time, but ironically I lost the job within a couple of weeks, the powers that be decided the department was overstaffed and the last 5 people in had to leave.

I wasn't worried, I was out of work, but working for the NHS Saw me through the recent financial depression the UK was going through.
Within a few weeks, I got a new job which was paying a lot more than the Hospital were ever going to pay me.
I have travelled extensively through Europe and learned many new skills, met lots of people and seen many places that have interested me. Let us say, that working for a Sicilian "Doctor" is very interesting, we are not shall we say, a conventional company, and as such it makes the whole "riding the endless caravan" more interesting and as such a lot less of a bore.

My Godfather, good friend and adopted Uncle, Doug died back in December last year, on the same day as my Daughters birthday.
You may recall me talking about my Recently bereaved (RB ) Aunty.
His funeral was very special, it was probably the only funeral I have been to where I KNOW, this person is going to a better place.
The day was perfect, clear blue sky, the birds were singing, and things were moving in synchronicity. I really enjoyed that funeral...

I mentioned once about my RB aunty, and how I looked after her one day when she was having a bad day.
When I took her home, it was dark and cloudy, but as we reached the roundabout that takes us onto the road where she lives, I saw a large bright RED shooting star.

I went to visit his grave a while ago, and at each side, I saw 2 gravestones in black Granite and Gold Letters,
All they had was the names of the person on them, The Biggest simply says Patricia Ann
the Other slight smaller stone says John.

What I can see, and what I do see in life, and I thought it was just me, but it isnt, is that there is Irony, metaphors and Analogies .. I AM.
My nemesis in name was also my helper and good friend when that same name was applied to others,
Numbers and names that have meaning. You probably need to know a bit about numerology to understand that, but my examples do seem quite obvious.

It seems that if you let it, then life just works, and that whatever happens, it always works out in the end. There are some hard truths out there, and they need to be faced, but no matter what, everything can be overcome. No matter how bad you have been, you will always be given a chance to make amends, and if you fail that chance, well the consequences can be severe, but you will always get as good as you gave.. It is kind of like that Orange soap I mentioned earlier when I was taking a bath, its brand name is Karma...

I still get the bouts of depression, but I know they will go away, I have searched for the reasons and never found them, so I have accepted it as part of life, and I know not to make any decisions when I get into that state.

So, My religion ?

That comes in the conclusion, which will be short and brief.......
There's a time for everyone, if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Dusak »

Depression must be a truly terrible thing to live with. I understand what it is, but thankfully have never had to live with it but in the UK I had two friends, one manic depressive, the other similar to yourself, an occasional depressive. I did not like being in the company of the former as they can quite easily drag you down the dark road with them.
Life is your's to do with as you wish- do not let other's try to control it for you. Count Dusak- 1345.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by LovelyLadyLux »

Thanks for sharing your story BM.

Episodic depression can be and is insidiously awful. Waiting for your conclusion.

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Re: My Religion.

Post by Bullet Magnet »

:D :D :D

phpBB [video]


Life is all in the mind, and what we try to change on the outside but trying to fix it from the outside will NEVER work. Life is a lesson, and in some ways, a prison for the mind.
But we can escape the prison with the right attitude and also by looking within.
Inside is where the problems come from, via your thought processes, and often a problem can be fixed by changing the way you look at something.
Take time in silence to hear the word of LOVE..

OK, I can fix a car, a computer or whatever, that is different, that is part of why I am here.
I have passions and I like to indulge in them. and as such a passion will involve doing stuff, and there will be challenges to achieve certain things to make those passions
seem real. I use logic to fix a problem, Root Cause Analysis. Think the problem through, investigate, confirm the issue and take action.
That will achieve the desired result, if I still cant fix it and have exhausted my options, I will then seek help from others,
then together we fix the problem.
Do you think that attempting to destroy the car or computer I am trying to fix will fix it ? Of course not ! All I have done is succumb to Anger if I do that.
So, Angry is stupid, really stupid. the lower levels, often represented by the colour red.
of course, in the ROOT CAUSE ANALYSIS of the holistic situation, the need to destroy the car or computer came form Anger, but where did the Anger come from ?
The Anger came from a lack of knowledge. I did not have enough knowledge to fix said car or computer, and instead of asking fro help, I allowed anger to destroy what I was trying to fix.

But problems need to be overcome in life, and as such a lot depends on your attitude to that problem.
OFTEN, a problem is not a problem, its just that you saw the problem and gave it attention, but does that problem REALLY concern you ? if not, then let it go !

It seems that the one way you do not fix a problem is to get angry about it, and I think that lesson is plain to see for all. I Hope !
Clearly it isnt, people fight and argue, organisations fight and argue, countries argue and fight, that is what we now call War.. each insisting they are right.
Do you see the lesson there?

I also gain a lesson form this too.
I dont vote, I dont watch the news, I dont involve myself in that sort of thing, and the reason I do not get involved in all of this is simple.
There is NOTHING I Can do about it ! No point in getting Angry, the Government sent troops out to fight, then so what ? that is their business, leave them to it.
my solution was that simple. Yes, you can argue about but that can happen and this can happen if we dont do this and that, but can it really ? are you going to stress yourself about a future which has not yet happened ?

To me its simple enough, OK, you have your point of view, I will have mine, we both have valid reasons for our belief and as such, we agree to disagree, lets move on and try to find common ground. maybe we can find a way of combining our separate beliefs to create a better one. ?

I have always said and this is true, if politicians had to fight in the wars that they start, on the frontline, they would not start a war, I guarantee it.
Now all of a sudden, THEIR belief system has been put to the test, War is not the way to solve the problem, lets find a diplomatic solution.

Judgement causes separation, and if we can find a way not to judge, and simply accept, then eventually those things that do not belong will simply not be given any attention and it will go away. Why? because it did not belong. it really is that simple.
Destruction requires no effort at all, so do not fight it.

It seems to me that in life, if we make too many judgements, then eventually we end up with rules and laws, and those rules and laws may not suit everybody, and then we insist those rules and laws are enforced, and then we end up with Governments and Police and an Army.

That sort of works on a personal level too, you see something you do not like, you form your opinion, that opinion becomes the law to you and then you want other people to accept your opinion for the only purpose of justifying your opinion. If you meet someone who does not agree with your opinion, you then feel justified in defending it, eventually by whatever means necessary, which may involve you gathering all your support and confronting the other person with your massive support you have gathered.
Is that other person that you have demonised wrong ?
is your opinion now worth fighting over ? because that is going to be the next step in the escalation process of accepting your belief that you adopted.
is that belief even worth the effort ?

Life is very personal, and I have to be honest, I dont stick to the laws, many of which I think are stupid. I believe ONLY in common law.
You don't kill anyone, you do not hurt anyone by your actions or inaction, and you do not steal an individuals stuff.
What is wrong with that ? you stick to those very simple laws, then how can you go wrong ? why do we need more laws. a promise of reward, threats against your life and liberty to enforce those laws, threats about your very existence and the future existence that cannot be proved once you have shed your mortal coil ?

like the Church that I felt obliged to attend, I eventually gained the right to leave that church, because it did not suit me. That does not mean that I hate the Church, after all, I was happy to server the church doing grass cutting in the church yard, so that the people visiting the graveyard had a nice place to visit, not an overgrown wilderness, and also it showed them that there were people who cared about them and how they feel.
I doubt that one of those graveyard visitors watched me and the others doing that work, and I did not do it for the reward or the thanks.
What I got, was a nice sunny afternoon, working together with people and getting a job done in the most pleasant manner possible.

There are plenty of belief systems that I can subscibe to down here. hundreds of different religions which all claim to be the one true light,
many different cultures and their ways, scientists telling me this that and the other. It is all quite confusing, so what I do is I try to indulge in everything I am presented with, and if I like it or it has a benefit for me, then I adopt it. What I try to see is this. "How do my actions affect others"
If I am annoying someone with what I am doing, then maybe there is another place I can be doing this ? or maybe I should not be doing it at all ?
I can talk to those people that I annoy and try to see their point of view.
Ultimately it is MY choice what I do, and as such I alone have to be prepared to accept the consequences of my actions. ALL ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES. Truth..
What i do not need, is my freedom of choice taken away from me, so that I am NOT Free to explore my potential life choices.
So, NO you dont tell me I cannot smoke, if you do, I WILL find a place where I can indulge, and if I start hacking my guts up, then maybe I will have the intelligence to realise that yes, people were right. Lesson learned...
If however, I find that smoking relaxes me and puts me in a good mood, and gets me closer to what people call God, then I will stick with that method until another method comes along that achieves the same result. and why shoudn't I ? give me one good reason why I should not.

Often I find people indulge in blind faith, and I do think that we need to examine all of what we do, and what we believe in. I do believe that we should test our faith and not blindly accept what we are told. Yes, we can accept common sense and dont do stupid things such as sticking you fingers into an electrical socket to test that it is live or not, and NOT make a law preventing people from doing such things, if they do and they die, then see it as a reinforcement of a lesson, maybe even thank them for doing that.... lest we forget.

We all do things with good intentions, but the game of life has many layers of separation and divisions, they are like gangs or groups, and even something that appears to have good intention may not be good in itself.

I think society all around the so called civilised world has a lot to answer for, it does create so many divisions and sub divisions, and we have been blinded by all that.
We could do things in a much different way, even regarding personal relationships, because that implies ownership of some kind, and the truth is we really do not own anything.
We think we do, but many of the things we claim to own actually help to form a sort of prison if you think carefully about it. The land that house you live in was here for billions of years before you lived there, and it will still be there for billions of years after you leave, so now explain to me why you are now denying others access to that land ?
Because that how it is, because it is yours ?

One fear that many people have, is a fear of the dark, but when you think about it, the dark is just an absence of light, and any given place is the same place be it light or be it dark.
your imagination can run wild in the dark, the monster under your bed, but what monster ? it is not there in the day, so why should it be present in the dark ?
Who was it that told you there was a monster under your bed ? or did you come up with that all by yourself ?
you know in the cold light of day there is no monster under your bed, so stop kidding yourself.

The dark is simply a metaphore for your lack of knowledge, and that is what is making you insecure and Angry, that fact is, this place is what it is, its just a lesson, and a game at the same time.
There is no monster under your bed, it is all in your mind. get out of your bed and take your blankets, and get under the bed and sleep there. it may not be comfortable, but at least when you wake up in the morning, you will now know that the monster was never real..
So why are there so many telling you what you need to do to prevent this monster from devouring you in the night ?
Because they either think the monster is real and they want you to side with them to make that fear appear more real and justify wha tthey are doing to keep that fear alive.

Or, they know fine well there is no monster, and they will make you pay one way or another to protect you from that monster, by making you believe that monster is more and more real..
they will even tell you about other monsters and their locations, and offer to protect you from those as well.
you will now do what they ask of you, and this may go against what you deep inside know is right or wrong, and you will be their slave until they day you die, or until you decide to go and check for yourself that the idea of a monster under your bed is absolutely ridiculous !

This is a wonderful world, the monsters are not real, and if anyone tells you otherwise, it really is not true.
What you hold as your strongest beliefs is what comes true. so if you have a sunny outlook on life, then you get happiness back, and in the bright sunny light, everything around you is much clearer and easier to see, and because of that you gain more insight into life and how it really works. you also have the wisdom to appreciate that every now and again, it has to rain, becuase those lakes and rivers are not going to fill themselves, and without both Sunshine and Water, you have no life.

Of course, those of us who know this to be true cannot tell people who are living with limited vision in the rain, because they cannot see what we see.
all you have to do is this. change your mind, decide that you are going to be happy, and the happiness will come back to you, it wont be instant, but it will come back to you, then when the rain falls, take off your clothes, go outside and dance in the rain.
You will have to be a bit selfish from time to time, you will need time on your own to indulge in your passions, to keep the fire burning, you will need time alone to meditate or pray, and you can pray to whoever you want to pray to. Why do you think so many of my hero's are dead ? you really think they are dead just because the body is no longer here ?

That Sliver and Blue Saint Christopher pendant my mother gave me when I was christened for a second time served it purpose.
I lost it while making hay on the farm one year.
It taught me, that despite all the suffering I can see in the world, I should not take it upon my shoulders to try to do something about it, ofr I cannot solve the worlds problems.
I have my own river to cross, and if I start taking passengers, I will end up doing all the work, they will weigh me down, and I may not even make it across the river.
Secondly, that St Christopher is the patron saint of travelling, and I have travelled quite a lot.
All I can say is that on my travels I have had a wonderful time and experienced many wonderful things and met many wonderful and beautiful people, be they poor or rich, be they back or white, be they beautiful or different in their appearance,, and as we all know with the current situation in Luxor, what I see is so much different to what they told me I was going to see.

They say that the higher up you get up the ladder of life the better off you are.
So taking that scenario literally, the best I can achieve would be to become king.
Problem is, that position is filled by someone who claims that because they came out of a particular vagina, that was penetrated by a particular penis,
they are the rightful monarch by birthright. OK, good luck with that logic...

All well and good then, you take that as your birthright and enjoy your gilded cage, the endless supply of money, and your armed guards and protection you need, and all the advisers whispering in your ear who may well want to take your throne.

I have something you dont.. The ability to walk down the street unnoticed and free to go wherever I want, and be with whoever I want.


Me, I am just a thought, and the mind is all where it's at. The physical reality you have is simply your thoughts being processed into a film of your life, a dream...
Be sincere, be truthful, do not judge. and for ***** sake, learn how to smile and keep on smiling.. Father time is on your back, and the clock is ticking...

Wake up sweet dreamer, the nightmare they are selling you is over... or, you can keep it alive until you can no longer take it anymore, Heaven and Hell are just states of mind..


phpBB [video]
There's a time for everyone, if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn.

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