Berlusconi is Back.

[Hafiz]

Berlusconi is Back.

He’s back at 81 years with a criminal conviction and has given written advice to his close personal friend President Sisi is as follows. The letter has been leaked by a member of the Italian Embassy who vomited when first reading it and before giving it to his Ambassador. Fortunately after cleaning himself and the floor he made a copy of it.

Dearest Eternal and Infallible Friend.

These are the lessons I've learnt in 70 years of business and politics which have made me the most admired, loved,richest and most powerful person in the world.

Rule 1. You are never too old to get it up.

2. A small brain is irrelevant if you are big elsewhere.

3. The people are fools and quickly forget your worst mistakes.

4. Own a string of TV, radio and newspapers. Tell them what to do,

5. The truth, as Boris says, is boring. The people really love color and movement. A bit of gentle scandal can’t do much harm.

6. Association with people who bribe, kill and extort is a wholesome experience.

7. Get lots of your robots in the Parliament. In Italy I'm putting forth my mistresses in 232 Parliamentary seats. They are all dumb, big breasts and 16 years of age and, therefore, certain to be elected by the Italians. Some of my bar....ds are also being put forward for election. They look exactly like me and are sure to be elected.

8. All outsiders are vile. Only the motherland can be perfect. Tourists are necessary but maintaining the blood purity of the fatherland is the most important objective and can only have the best outcomes.

9. Putin is a great man. Regular family holidays with him are superb. He’s also great on how to get rid of people and how to make lots of money off the taxpayer. There is no one better at confounding the UN. His, and my, regular small cosmetic surgeries and the obvious benefits of such are something you should consider. We can discuss the more private body areas of this surgery.

10. Intimidation, slander, violence and abuse are the best political weapons.

11. Facts are for idiots as are the bureaucratic 'meanderings' and Jesuitical logic of the law. Abolish both.

12. All migrants should be shot at the border – or taken to a factory owned by a friend and employed at E1 per hour.

13 Private interests and public interests are the same there is no difference as there is no difference between public and private money. Its all in the same pot.

14. Those who make a contribution to the state should not be forced to pay tax. Usually there are about 500,000 of them. They have given their lives to the state - that is more than enough.

15. The police can be useful but only if they are out of control, no one asks any questions and the courts 'warned off'.

16. You can never have too many prisons and all offenses are really criminal offenses.

17. The Americans are evil – just take their money, swear under your breath and go and do what they most loathe.

18. When elected I will make it that all bank transactions between our countries cannot be traced, human trafficking is open and free – but only with attractive 16 year old girls, a free market in guns, all Saudi’s, Ethiopians, Turks and Sudanese in Italy, your enemies, will be arrested, your friends in Libya that no one supports will get our help.

19. The UN, Human Rights Watch, Pew, International Council of Jurists, UNHCR, Amnesty International and all related organizations should be destroyed forever as your National Security Advisor Mrs Faiza Abou el-Naga has done well for you. You cannot be too aggressive with them. Criticizing them is never enough they must be permanently liquidated. A bit later I will force the Pope to give her an international Peace and Love Award – assuming that she is still alive but I heard she was having difficulty talking, thinking, writing and walking but what the hell these are the benefits of old age and our voters should worship them. If she lives she might need a lawyer for crimes against humanity and I have a score of the best.

20 Carlo Regeni never lived. I’ll have his birth and death records destroyed and grave bulldozed. His parents will be ‘spoken to’ by my friends from the south and never seen again. Problem solved. Whilst we are at this stuff could you get all your books to say Italy won the war/North African campaign and I will do the same in Italy. I know a fair haired loudmouthed UK ‘historian’ who will take my E5 million and two or three Italian national awards and Phd’s to ‘write’ both – should take about 10 days. He loves the attention and needs the money for his mistresses, divorce and child costs and abortions. Easily bought.

21 (my age) Most of the European political leaders should be removed – could we discuss the options not all of which should be made public.

PS I have some friends in Sicily, Naples and Calabria. I note your internal problems. These friends are the best in the world in 'removing' ‘obstacles'. Could I send 5-600 of them to you? Don’t be worried they won’t upset what your army is doing with the terrorists – keeping the terrorists active and visible so that everyone is frightened to hell and therefore 'knows' exactly how to vote. Be certain my friends will never be captured by your police – my friends are intelligent, skilled professionals. These friends might also help your warlord friend who is waging war against the UN in Libya. In fact I’m certain they already know each other well via gun, human and drug trafficking activities. My friends hate the UN. Don't we all. The last thing you need is some self-righteous clean-skin telling you how to do things. We both know its tough violent and awful - that's why we enjoy it. Outsiders know nothing. We know everything.

EDITORS COMMENT The bottom of the letter has a E100 million cheque attached to it, the contact details for a private bank in the British Virgin islands written, some dried body fluids, a childish signature, someone’s (Maria) telephone number, a scrawled F word and some blood – still a bit wet). The Italian ambassador sprinted from his residence to hand deliver it at the Presidential Palace overjoyed at the imminent return of his beloved great leader and the union of common and eternal Italian and Egyptian interests.

Can it get any better?